Before I was married, I had built up QUITE THE LIST of misconceptions about sex. My present-day self started to write them all down in one list, but then I realized the list was SO long it was worth categorizing.
I LOVE music. I am not ashamed to be a fan of all things pop (at least pre-2018, i.e. before I turned 30 and felt too old for new music). While my love for pop makes for a fun dance party, I guess the lyrics sunk in a little heavier than I'd realized. My newlywed-self was a little shocked when essentially none of them were accurate to real life.
So to begin this series, I present to you a list of miscon”sex”ptions from song:
“I’m a Genie in a Bottle,” Christina Aguilera
Key Lyrics: “I’m a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way!”
I thought: If I simply tell my husband “rub me the right way,” he will know what to do. No further details needed!!
IRL: We definitely needed a better understanding of anatomy, and lots more direct communication.
“You Shook Me All Night Long,” AC/DC
Key lyrics: “And you shook me all night long / Yeah, you shook me all night long.” (Are there any other lyrics in this song??)
I thought: We would probably have sex all night long, regularly.
IRL: 30 minutes is a definite maximum for us. Especially when I’m not in my "ovulating phase" and/or we’re tired (we’re always tired! 😅😅).
“Waiting for Tonight,” Jennifer Lopez AND “2 become 1,” Spice Girls
Key lyrics: “Like a movie scene / In the sweetest dream” (JLo) “Candlelight and soul forever / A dream of you and me together” (Spice Girls)
I thought: Our first time/wedding night sex would definitely be 1000% romantic and unbelievably perfect.
IRL: It was pretty awkward and confusing. There was a situation with blood. Also, I’m not a big fan of candles.
“Touch My Body” Mariah Carey
Key lyrics: “Boy you can put me on you like a brand new white tee / I'll hug your body tighter than my favorite jeans”
I thought: Sex will be as easy as putting on clothes. And also poetic.
IRL: Sex takes work. And also (with some time) it can be much more beautiful and meaningful than cheesy pop lyrics portray it.
“SexyBack” Justin Timberlake
Key lyrics: “Get your sexy on.”
I thought: Sex will always be sexy and also rhythmic.
IRL: Unsexy things (like farts) are common. And also we are rarely rhythmic.
“What’s Your Fantasy,” Ludacris
Key lyrics: “I wanna lick lick lick lick you from yo head to yo toes …” and also “Whipped cream with cherries and strawberries on top, lick it don't stop”
I thought: I knew the lyrics were silly but, I was intrigued about possibilities...?
IRL: Licking is ticklish and maybe-kind-of arousing but not something that I want done to my entire body. Also, as my husband matter-of-factly says, “Putting sugar on your body is how we would end up with ants in our bed.”
Lil John’s “Get Low” AND Nelly’s “Hot in Here”
Key lyrics: “Til the sweat drop down my balls” AND “I am, getting so hot, I’m gonna take my clothes off”
I thought: Okay I’m not sure what I thought, but…
IRL: Trying to have sex when you’re sweaty is exceptionally uncomfortable. (“Um, I’m hot - can we turn on a fan??”) Would rather the sweat not drop down those balls.